If you hate Riley and you know it, clap your hands
by Cal
Summary: More Riley bashing, inspired by his behaviour in the 5th season. A weird fic. After reading it myself, I'm having trouble trying to work out if it's funny or not. Anybody out there who likes Riley, DON'T read this. I don't appreciate flames.
1. The large ape type person leaves

Author's Notes: After watching the first half of the 5th season, I was left with a whole new lot of Riley hatred ****

Author's Notes: After watching the first half of the 5th season, I was left with a whole new lot of Riley hatred. I didn't think it would be possible for me to like him even less than I did, but he soon proved me wrong by his pathetic behaviour. This is just a way of venting my frustrations. It's set around the first few episodes in the 5th season. Enjoy!

Dedicated to Pippa, Lynne, and every other Riley hater in the world.

Buffy travelled stealthily through the cemetery. Everything was going great. She had a nice, dependable *cough* boyfriend, a great bunch of friends, and a caring family. What more could a girl want?

Buffy's good mood was broken when she saw Spike running towards her. He looked frantic.

"Slayer! Buffy! I need to talk to you!" he stumbled and tripped.

Buffy rolled her eyes. "What do you want, Spike?"

Spike blundered the remaining distance between them, and bent over panting. Please ignore the fact that vampires don't need to breathe, 'k?

"Slayer..." he panted. "There's somethin'....I gotta...tell you..." he trailed off.

Buffy waited. "Well?"

Spike hesitated. "There's no easy way to say this. Your family's dead. There was a vampire attack. I'm so sorry-"

Buffy stared at him, her face a mask of pain.

"They're...dead?" she whimpered. "My mom? My little Dawnie?"

Spike looked down. "Yeah, pet. I'm afraid they are."

"Oh my God. Well, at least I still have my faithful friends." 

Spike looked away.

"What?" Buffy probed. "_What?!"_

Spike winced. "Well y'see...they're kinda dead as well. They were killed while patrolling."

Buffy screamed. "Noooo!" 

Spike continued,

"And as well as that...the whole team in L.A. bought the farm. Angelus turned after he slept with Faith. Ripped their throats out."

"Ahhhh!!"

"And...Wolf-boy has been caughtby a hunter. Shot 'im with three round of silver bullets."

"Oh no! Not Oz!" Buffy wept. "Spike...you're all I have left now!"

She reached out to hug Spike when he stiffened. The front end of a crossbow bolt protruded from his chest.

"Buffy..." he whispered. "I love you." Then turned to dust. She saw Angelus' grinning face in the distance, before he disappeared into the night.

"NOOOO!!!" Buffy cried. 

She turned and ran from the scene. _Have to get away..._

Buffy ran to Riley's apartment, hoping to God he was still alive. 

* * *

In his apartment, Riley was polishing his Rodeo award trophies. In Iowa he was the town champion. and he wanted to keep his trophies clean. _I always was good at riding cows. _

(A/N: Draw any meaning you want from that, folks.)

Although none of the Scoobies seemed to have noticed, Riley basically had no life. I mean, what did he do when he wasn't with Buffy?

"Good job they're not too observant, huh Bessie?" Riley said to his plastic cow-shaped sex doll.

He was interrupted when he heard an erratic knocking. Riley headed over to the door, expecting the male escort from Hire-a-Whore.

"Buffy, hi!" he greeted his girlfriend. His good mood was soon broken when he noticed she was sobbing her heart out.

"What's wrong, my hoogle-dingis-sweetums?" he asked her.

"They're all dead, Riley! My mom...my friends. They're all gone." Buffy wept.

"Buffy, I'm your boyfriend. Why didn't you tell me?" Riley said angrily.

Buffy looked up, surprised.

"I'm telling you now!" Riley shook his head.

"That's not good enough! Buffy, just because everyone you know and love is dead doesn't give you the right to forget me! You've been really distant lately. You are treating me badly."

Buffy stared at him like he'd grown another bad haircut.

"Riley! I can't believe you! All my loved ones have met a gory death and you're complaining about me not giving you enough attention?!"

Riley looked sheepish. "Well...yeah! I should be the most important person in your life!"

"Screw you, you long paralysed streak of p*ss!"

Riley's face crumpled, and he burst into tears.

"That's it! You're being horrible to me! I'm going to the jungle, so there! WAHHHH!!" he ran from the room.

Buffy stared after him in disbelief. She sat there in silence for about a minute. The silence stretched. Finally, Buffy opened her mouth to speak.

"What a _loser_!"

The End.


	2. Ding dong, the corn boy's dead...oh wait...

Author's Notes: After re-reading the last chapter, I realised it was in fact a bit weak ****

Author's Notes: After re-reading the last chapter, I realised it was in fact a bit weak. (Thanks Kevin and Kernel). So I decided to torture our favourite pi*s-ant, white-bred Agent Cornfield some more. (What kinda code name is "Lilac" anyway?)

Dedicated to all you great people who reviewed, even *says this very grudgingly* Kevin. Plus Pippa. And Lynne. And Hex.

Riley groaned as he trudged through the knee-deep swamp pit. 

(A/N: In my jungle, there are swamp pits, ok??)

He was beginning to realise what an utter fool he had been by signing up for this mission. I mean, who would be stupid enough to let a double-crossing-puts-a-chip-in-you-and-feeds-you-chemicals government take you away to some secret and deserted place filled with all sorts of scary monsters, after basically explaining how you are very likely to die? And don't give me that crap about bravery!

"Who would have known that a heat-of-the-moment decision without thinking it out whatsoever wouldn't go to plan?" Riley said. 

His thoughts were put to a sudden halt when he felt a strange transformation come over him. His skin began to shed itself and become green and scaled. Slits formed at his neck. The bones inside him shifted and re-arranged themselves.

What was happening to him? 

Riley was getting a strong sense of deja-vu from one of Buffy's stories. Something to do with the school swim team. With a start Riley realised what was happening.

__

The chemicals Professor Walsh had pumped into him were the same ones the swim team had been exposed to! 

He was turning into a fish monster!

Horror upon horrors! Riley was turning into an ugly, twisted creature! One which bore a strange resemblance to a fish! 

(A/N: Wait...how was that any different from normal?)

When the metamorphosis was complete, Riley felt strange. He felt...complete. This was his true form. As a fish. After all, his last name was "Finn". 

Riley jumped out into the nearest pool of water he could find. He screamed as he felt his skin burning and being dissolved away. 

* * *

Graham and another soldier winced as they saw the liquid remains of Riley Finn. The pool of 'water' he had jumped into was in fact a trap set for the hostiles; monkey urine mixed with hydrochloric acid. 

"Ah well." Graham said, trying to make light of the situation. "He was no good in bed anyway."

* * *

__

Buffy had been upset for the first few days. Not because of Riley leaving, but due to the apparent demise of all those she held close. Her mother, Dawn, Willow, Giles....all of them. She began to sob.

"There there luv. No need to cry." A very familiar voice cut through Buffy's despair. She looked up to meet Spike's smiling face.

"But...how?" she asked. 

"The Powers told me I have a great destiny before me. Not my time to die yet, pet." Buffy ran and hugged him.

"I never thought I'd be so glad to see you!" 

"That's not all, Slayer."

Buffy looked at him inquisitively.

"Turns out they've decided to erase Angelus sleepin' with Faith, so none of his group are dead anymore. Oh yeah, and they brought back all your mates and stuff too." 

Buffy didn't think she could get happier. Everything was perfect now.

Except for one thing.

"And...Agent-Cardboard-The-Shirtless-Wonder-Lilac-Lesbo-Farmboy-America? *cough* I mean Riley."

Spike grinned.

"You forgot 'One minute man'." He held out a newspaper. "But yeah, his death was announced in this weeks column, 'Losers of the U.S.A.'"

"Yay! You know, it does smell a lot better around here with him gone. I guess I must have just got used to the stench of fish."

Spike laughed. "Too right. You shoulda tried bein' near him with an enhanced vampire sense o' smell. I almost died!"

"But let's never speak his name again. Come on Spike, let's go kill something."

And they all lived happily ever after.

The Real End.


End file.
